Now, allow me to let you in on a little secret: making good coffee is not hard! I just load up the machine, get a shot of espresso, steam-up the milk and voila! Although I say it myself, I make pretty-damn-good coffee!

Why then, when I’m in the UK, can I not find a single so-called ‘coffee shop’ that can give me the same thing? Believe me, I’ve tried most of the chains – Starbucks, Costa, Nero, Republic, etc. – and also a lot of independent cafes and ’specialist’ shops.

Why can’t they make coffee like the Continentals? And why is coffee so expensive in the UK? And why does this expensive brown liquid always taste like someone’s washed their socks in it?

As you may know, I live in southern Spain so I can also go to any bar or cafe at any time of the day or night and get a proper, strong, flavourful cup of coffee. Not only that but it will only cost me about 1.30€. That’s about a pound of your English money, or a coupla bucks US.

Granted, it won’t be the size of a builder’s mug but who wants a f***ing great vatful anyway? What it will be is small, concentrated and coffee-flavoured. If you’re not satisfied by just the one you can always have another, it’ll still be half the price of your average mug of piss that you get in the UK.

Come on guys, what’s the problem? If I can do it, and every cafe, bar and restaurant in Spain (or Italy, or France) can do it, surely it can’t be beyond the realms of possibility that you could do it too?

Her new series ‘Nigella Express’ just seems to be endless shots of her making eyes at the camera and smiling coquettishly at the naughtiness of eating fattening ‘comfort food’.

You don’t need to keep reminding us that you are being ’sexy/naughty’ by forever snacking or raiding the fridge at night Nigella, we can see it quite obviously on your hips.

And what’s all this nonsense about being down-to-earth and getting on a bus to go to the local shops for your ingredients? Who do you think you’re fooling there then? Funny how the bus always seems to be empty when you’re on it, eh?

C’mon Nigella, don’t insult our intelligence, we all know where you come from and who you’re married to. You don’t do buses, now do you? Come to think of it you probably don’t do a lot of cooking at home either!

The format for her shows has been a huge success up to now, good wholesome food with a little sexy eye contact thrown in works wonders for the viewing figures – especially the male ones!

But it’s going too far now, it’s starting to smack of desperation and overkill. Like the food’s secondary to the flirting and the cynical attempt to be ‘just like you ordinary folk’.

Nigella, for what it’s worth here’s my advice. Sack your producer and get back to what you do best: home cooking with a bit of spiciness thrown in.

We all love your little flirts with us but what we really want is a little less ’sad old slapper’ and a little more ‘goddess in the kitchen’.

Take some salad leaves and throw them on a plate.  You can use pre-packed of any description or rocket or watercress, whatever you’ve got is fine.

Throw on some Serrano ham (Jamon Iberico is the best), some cut up peaches, some broken up buffalo mozarella cheese (not the pre-grated stuff) and mix it all up a bit.

Make up a sharp-ish dressing (3 parts olive oil, 1 part lemon juice, salt and pepper) and pour it over the salad.  Job done.

Eat with some nice crusty wholemeal and a glass of your favourite wine.  Simple, tasty, healthy and fast.